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Everybody knows that DNA is a double-helix, which means they're way behind what science is able to do now.
If MC Escher built things that actually worked
DNA technology is the ultimate proof of both of those words: we're looking at things that took billions of years to evolve, and because it did such a good job we're now able to do an even better one. Because while fearmongers were busy whining about scientists playing God, those scientist have moved on to playing Lego.
Mandarin is beautiful and terrifying and completely insane. Two of those themes come across in this article. Please note how you can choose several combinations of weapons or to love someone.
If you’ve ever meant to learn another language you should totally do that. It’s mind-expanding in ways your brain literally does not have pathways to understand until you do it. Especially if it’s Mandarin, which is like trying to speak Escher and every character is an artwork.
Lasers are how science is cutting that edge you hear about. It’s the fastest moving science in the last century (a little speed of light joke), and is awesome.
I have two degrees in laser physics from my previous life as an academic, so this one was a lot of fun! That’s probably also why they straightened out a couple of my nerdiest lines, probably for the best. I include my favorite below as a tumblr bonus:
The group sending nuclear-powered laser robots and hoping Martians don’t have a J’onn Connor.
Of all the amazingly terrible movies I’ve ever written about, only one has this moment:
Now are you the glorious action-taking glowing-headed hero on the left, or the lifeless, lumbering, soon-to-be-unconscious-and-the-world-will-not-mourn fool on the right?
I normally wouldn’t be able to make my preferences any clearer. But my fine friends at Kink Engineering, their actions speak louder than mere words. And that camera-equipped Paul Hillier is worth a thousand with every click. And our powers combined!
The only way to approach new food is by eating it. Anything else is waste and wimpiness. And if that means eating sliced pig snout, so be it.
You can’t claim you don’t like the look of a meal unless it stabs you in the eye, and I found food which can actually do that. And ate it.
Irish people have +2 racial bonuses to Drinking and Bullshit, which is the exact recipe for North American St Patrick's day.
Brand new brilliance over at CBS, where I've been hired as the Drinking and Video Games expert. Retroactively meaning my misspent youth was actually professional research!
Apparently "swimwear isn't bulletproof" is a controversial position. Though most female characters are lucky if their positions are even anatomically possible.
Snapping your own spine in midair is pretty badass.
Behold the breast-window of Power Girl, the nymphomania of Starfire, the ultimate incarnation of the Speedo, and much more!
Democracy was invented before the internet, and that's not a coincidence - it's a necessary condition. Anyone who's read YouTube comments would require that all votes be multiplied by the voters IQ minus one hundred.
It's another Cracked article, complete with the now-traditional "Minor editorial change to the title which provokes legions of nitpicking comments!"
The True Names of Taste
TAPS magazine continues to rock and non-coincidentally employ me. Fall 2011 sees me go all demonologist on beer's wonderful flavors, binding them to my service by knowing their true names! Names like "isoamyl acetate" and "holy hell, that stuff is nail polish why does taste so good?"
They updated my title to be even more delicious, if less accurate, and you can order the magazine here. TAPS is now available in online format, so you have no excuse.
We know society started when humanity settled down to raise crops, but have you ever wondered why they’d bother? The advantages of agriculture might be obvious in retrospect, but “seeing the future” and “botany” and were just two of many skills cavemen didn’t have. They succeeded when they killed wild animals, ate meat, and had sex. Giving that lifestyle up for some really intense gardening wouldn’t appeal to guys back then. It still doesn’t appeal to most guys right now. The answer? Beer!
More tragically hilarious self-defense than someone's first time trying nun-chucks.
Featuring the mighty key-whip, the Throttlin' Strap, and the ultimate Plants vs Zombies weapon (in real life.)
What happens when you try to drink an entire beer festival? And why is "Curry Beer" something that exists?
It's hard work this writing thing
Anyone can get themselves arrested by picking up a phone, but it takes a special effort to get arrested for refusing to put it down. Effort, and a single-digit IQ. Add a woman calling once every six minutes for a year and an idiot pitting his soaked handset against Hurricane Irene, and you start hoping phone radiation causes sterility.Coffee doesn't just wake your brain, it makes it better, lets it drink more, fights cancer and upgrades Navy SEALs.
It even works on old people, foreigners, and women!
This article and quite a lot of my existence made possible by the Black Blood of the Earth, the most amazing coffee you can buy right now.
I’ve written about religion, politics, and the ethics of big business, but only now do I declare my most controversial statement: Crank is much better than Crank: High Voltage.
I sugared this bitter pill with statements we can all agree on, like Highlander II being the worst second anything up to and including “losing a second lung.”
Even this looks more fun than the movie
I write a weekly multiplayer gaming feature over at Lowpings. Left 4 Dead 2 makes zombie-killing even more fun than usual, which is more fun than skydiving through a nitrous oxide atmosphere. It's so fun it's still fresh even though it's about zombies, and that's imposible online.
Chill magazine's July/August issue comes equipped with ME! And because they're brilliant, you can still read me online if you're careless enough not to frequent Ontario beer stores.
Craft Brewing At The Cellular Level
TAPS magazine Summer 2011 looks to the future as we upgrade beer with genetic engineering, anti-cancer chemicals, and understand that even our most advanced technologies only continue what nature has been doing all this time. We just do it better and faster!
They changed my title, but I'm fairly sure the sentiment shines through in the text.
I spend two thousand words mocking facebook and they like me fourteen thousand times. Facebook is so screwed up even the Mystery Method works with 700% efficiency, and the Mystery Method is how you say "scared of women" in internet-ese.
Funeral crashing, robbing a real-money bank (after inventing it), and killing God. Fun times!
7 Reasons Vladimir Putin Is The World's Craziest Badass (Cracked.com)
You tell me the last time you saw a world leader use martial arts, sextuple the economy, or lie to the people in a way they like.
The destruction of my homeland helps me counter the idiots who claim to be Irish every year! (It may not have been worth it.)
There's a reality show which encourages people to breed with Tila Tequila, and it didn't even make the list. That's how badly civilization and even evolution are being reversed.
The Craziest Kinect Contraptions (And How They'll Destroy Humanity) (Dialaphone.co.uk)
The most popular videogames are entirely based on killing things, and now they can see us and move in the real world. There is no way this could backfire.
Apparently Italian elections are a "World's Most Misogynist Man" competitions (with a cash-grabbing bonus round, like the Crystal Maze.)
The 7 Most Terrifying Sex Patents (Cracked.com)
Have you been having sex and thinking "Man, there just isn't enough wiring or glassware involved here?" Of course not, because you're still alive and unarrested. Here we see seven men who looked at human genitals and thought "I can do better than that!"
Bolt Actions Speak Louder Than Words (Lowpings.net)
Sniper rifles start a lot of arguments online, the exact opposite of their function in the real world. We look at insane worlds where shooting each other in the face can be made "fair".
Science Goes To Your Head (TAPS magazine)
TAPS Winter 2010/11 lays down the science of beer foam, foamy physics as unexpected as they are beautiful.
The Rise And Fall of Call of Duty (Lowpings.net)
One of the most popular shooting-people-in-the-face simulators in history has had its ups and downs.
8 Games That Were All A Dream (GamesRadar.com)
Videogames aren't above the worst ending technique since "and then I swallowed the grenade." I discuss eight examples of writers who had five minutes to finish the story and spent four of those working out which way round pens go.